“They” say that we should always keep a positive attitude. “They” also say that there is a silver lining in every cloud. Since this invisible “They” seems to have infinite wisdom, I’m going to make the following a tribute to some local heroes, and I promise that I will mine as much silver from the lining of those dark clouds as I can.
I wish to thank the many local officials of Moorefield and Hardy County, both past and present, who have helped to bring so much progress to our area. After all, everyone knows that the smell of money is that of burning feathers and rotting chicken guts, so thanks for bringing that lucrative aroma to Moorefield’s town center by allowing a rendering plant downtown just off of Main Street. It serves as a daily odoriferous reminder of how progressive and rich an area we have become, at any cost. It leaves a warm feeling in the cockles of my central organs.
As for more recent developments, a hearty thank you to our county fathers for breaking up the boring and sedentary aura that for hundreds of years has characterized the area of Hardy County, just downstream of Moorefield on the South Branch Potomac River, known as Old Fields. History be damned, we need a place for our poo to go, and why not that renowned historical district? There was nothing there but boring, stately old mansions and even Older Fields, all virtually useless and a blight on our economic sensibilities. And to think, I signed a petition to stop construction of the plant at that location.
What was I thinking? This project was a much better use of that area than the 4-lane highway that was diverted, they say because it would destroy the historical flavor of Old Fields.
I do have to admit (being an avid science fiction fan), that there is a certain post-apocalyptic charm to that huge human excrement and chicken plant waste processing facility that was built in a helter-skelter fashion north of Moorefield. It was built on the same properties that for hundreds of years contained nothing but boringly peaceful scenery. Those randomly shaped steel and concrete structures projecting from the flatlands tend to break up the excruciating sameness that Old Fields had suffered from in the past. Kudos to our admirably thoughtful local government for commissioning this beneficial project, as they all have such pristine ethics that the rest of us should aspire to live our lives as they do. Certainly, the world would be a better place.
But that’s not all. I travel through Old Fields on US Route 220 right past that poo processing complex every weekday morning and evening, commuting to and from work. Before it was in operation, travelling through that area of the county was so boring that I thought at times that I would surely doze off while driving. Now, the pungent odor of fecal material serves to wake me up better than would an ammonia popper under my nose. In fact, this glorious stench may indeed be responsible for me escaping death or dismemberment by keeping me awake at the wheel. I no longer have to worry so much about that thanks to our thoughtful local government folks, who are so sensitive to my needs.
It’s almost as if when they allowed the waste processing complex and the rendering plant to be built, they were thinking of my own welfare. So, once again, I wish to send a heartfelt THANK YOU to our town and county leaders. You are most certainly a very special class of people.
